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Phoebe Halliwell

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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2005|06:59 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

In a way, I'm almost glad that I don't remember Mom when she was alive. That sounds awful, but I just think I missed out on a lot of pain that Prue's being going through ever since the wedding. To me, seeing Mom was an unexpected and beautiful thing. For Prue, though, I think it was just a reminder of what we've all lost.

I hope in a way that learning that the Angel of Death isn't evil might show Prue -- heck, might show all of us, really -- a little more about this whole concept of black and white, and how I'm more and more convinced that things aren't as clear cut as we always assumed they were.
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Wedding!!! :) [Jul. 29th, 2005|07:12 am]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

Oh! I'm still getting all choked up over the wedding! It was beautiful and amazing, and it was all the more beautiful and amazing because it almost didn't happen. That sounds weird, I know, but it was all poigniant and everything...just going to show once again how perfect Piper and Leo are for each other.

I think things are better between Prue and me, too, although it sure took her getting one helluva dramatic wake-up call about resenting her role...not just as a Charmed One, but as a sister. I could feel really hurt about that, but I don't think it's about her taking care of Piper and me over the years; I think it's more about how she's assumed resposibilities even she didn't realize she was taking on, and how overwhelming life can become if you're all focused on the stuff you have to do rather than the stuff you want to do.

Again, I feel justified in my decision about Cole, because if I hadn't decided to take a chance, it might've been me wishing I could live out my life through my dreams, throwing way too much caution to the wind. As it is, I think I've got a pretty good balance going. Yeah, okay, maybe I've been a little up and down and back and forth about some stuff over the past few months, but hey, you can't say I haven't had a lot to go through!
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(no subject) [Jul. 21st, 2005|10:41 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
I was wrong. Feeling myself dying and knowing at the same time that Cole was out there trying to save me gave me some clarity that I needed. It doesn't have to be an "either/or" situation. I can still have my family and Cole, too.

I know, I know. Prue especially is going to keep hating the idea, but look at Piper and Leo: Dad hates that they're together, the Elders aren't too keen on it, but they're doing it anyway. They're getting married, and they have the kind of big, true love that only comes around once if you're lucky.

What if this is my shot, and I blow it because I'm looking at everything too black and white? Is that any better than how the people in the ghost town treated Bo?

Maybe it's not as easy as wearing the right color hat. Maybe there are a lot more shades of gray out there. I know I'd be crazy not to stick with this at least until I find out if that's true.

No more denying how I feel now. I can't see how trusting my heart can be a bad idea. Besides, we're all going to be too distracted by Piper and Leo's wedding to be mad at each other about a little thing like me dating a half-demon, right? And weddings make people happy and give them romantic thoughts, right? Right. Yes. Totally right. Everything's gonna be 100% totally okey dokey.

I think I'll just go knock on every piece of wood in the house just to be safe, though.
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Understanding and acceptance [Jul. 20th, 2005|06:19 am]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

Now I understand. I understand the struggle that must be going on inside Cole, but that doesn't mean I can accept him. Fine, I admit it: I love him. It's deeper than I thought it was, but that doesn't make it right to feel this way or to give in to the temptation of it. Did he help us out? Of course. And I'm proud of him for making the effort. But seeing how fine that line can be between good and evil? I don't want to risk it. I don't want to risk myself, and I sure as hell don't want to risk Piper or Prue.

I have my priorities straight now, and as much as it might hurt, my life cannot include Cole in it. My sisters and doing the right thing...that's good, and that's my choice.

If Cole loves me, he has to respect that. That would be his way to do the right thing, not this crazy "not giving up on me" business. I'm hoping he can see it in his heart to just let me go.

Either that, or --

No. No "or." He has to let me go.
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The more things change... [Jul. 11th, 2005|10:15 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |angsty]

Why can't Prue see how our situations are similar? I know she never liked Cole, even before we knew the truth, but this isn't the way to work out our difference of opinion, just ignoring the problem. I love my sisters, and my loyalties are with them, but even though I'm trying to get Cole out of my system, I still don't know if I entirely regret my decision. I regret lying, and I'm sure as hell glad that everything's out in the open now. But even though I'm not stupid enough to be surprised at everyone's reaction, I admit being disappointed.

Tom is someone from Prue's past, and she did everything she could to save him. Cole is someone I hoped would be there for my future. Why is it so crazy that I still want to save him?

I hope things can be mended. It's not just that I want to go into bratty little sister mode and just get my own way here. I honestly think that there's room for compromise, understanding, and maybe a little redemption.

As far as who needs the most redeeming? That's a little up in the air.
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(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2005|08:58 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |nervousnervous]

I told Leo what I did. I think once the initial joy of he and Piper being engaged wears off, he's going to do a lot more yelling at me, trying to convince me that I'm wrong. And maybe I am. Maybe Cole can't change, maybe he can't be good...but, no, the more I think about this, the more I'm convinced that all he was willing to do, all he was willing to give up...it all points to him having the potential to let his human nature take over.

I've seen what following rules gets you. Natalie followed the rules, and it got her killed. If Piper and Leo hadn't tried to break the rules -- or at least bend them -- they wouldn't be together. What's so wrong if there are a few rules I'd like nothing more than to break myself?

God, Cole, where are you?
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secrets [Jun. 24th, 2005|08:27 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |okayokay]

For once, keeping a secret from my sisters didn't hurt. I always had every intention of telling them about Dad being in town, but I wanted to wait for some stuff to blow over. With Prue, too, I knew it would be tough to break it to her. I think sometimes things work out the way they're supposed to, though. I mean, who'd have thought that just when we needed Dad the most, he'd suddenly be back in our lives?

I think there are things like fate and destiny at work with us. And maybe, just maybe, that'll bring other things back into my life when the time is right.

For now...ice cream is definitely off the list of desirable junk food, though. ;)

Whoa, did I just make a little joke? Maybe I'm feeling better, back to myself after some of the ick of the past few weeks. Interesting.
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addicted [Jun. 17th, 2005|05:51 am]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |guiltyguilty]

It just gets harder and harder, feeling what I feel, knowing what I know, and wondering all the while...things. Good and evil. Cole's father was apparently a really amazing, good man, and yet he fell in love with a demon. How is it so strange that I would, too? I mean, in my case, Cole wasn't all evil, even...was he? Is he?

I feel bad for not really being all there to help or be totally mentally present with what was going on with Piper. I don't want her and Prue to feel over-burdened by me dealing with my own stuff right now, and I feel so guilty for all of it, everything. Lies, preoccupation...I don't feel like I'm me right now, like something's got a hold on me that just won't let go.

It's not a good feeling. It's love, but it's not good, happy, positive love.

It's more addictive than that.
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(no subject) [Jun. 10th, 2005|05:33 am]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |guiltyguilty]

Oh, god...what have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I - I can't talk about it. I...everything I saw, everything that happened. Cole...Krell...and through it all, Piper and Prue believing that --

No. Belthazor is gone. That part's not a lie, is it? Or is it? What's true anymore? Did he...Cole...did he...does he love me? Did I actually make a man out of a monster?

Which side will I find if I ever see him again?

Everything just feels so wrong right now. I have to harden myself here. I can't...nothing like this can ever happen again.
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Anger, party of three, your table's now ready [Jun. 2nd, 2005|08:42 pm]
Phoebe Halliwell
[Current Mood |nervousnervous]

It was awful feeling like Piper and Prue hated and resented me that much. Sisters get into fights, that's natural, but the rage...even though it was all Andras's fault, it was still scary and awful. Thank goodness Cole convinced me to come back home and face things. That was amazing and insightful of him.

Things are still good with us. We had such a nice time at Brazil, but I still can't help feeling like there's something I'm not figuring out about him. At least now I don't have suspicions that he might be married and just using me to work out some kind of pre-midlife crisis. Um, or...I hope not. Maybe the guy's just a really good liar.

Nah, this is just early-relationship jitters still. I'm pretty sure. I mean, sheesh, he's been super sweet lately. Most of the time, anyway. It's fine, I'm sure it's all fine. As long as he doesn't pull a traditional man-afraid-of-committing-starts-avoiding-the-woman thing, everything'll be great.

I hope.
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